Achievements There Should Be Awards For


  • Drinking an entire cup of tea in the tiny temperature window after boiling lava and before tepid bullshit
  • Not spilling any coffee
  • When you have to fart and pee and you only fart without letting any pee out (that’s a mula bandha kegel miracle)
  • Going a whole day without choking on your own saliva
  • When the gas pump comes to an even dollar
  • Sleeping through an entire night
  • Keeping your bra and shoes on the whole day
  • A righteous clapback
  • Thwarting a cold or sore throat
  • Contacting your legislators three or more times in a week
  • Asking for help without embarrassment or apologizing
  • Putting dishes directly into the dishwasher without a three day pit stop in the sink
  • Emptying the clean dishes from the dishwasher in order to place new dirty dishes there
  • Remembering how you got a bruise/Not bumping into anything on the way to the bathroom
  • Making plans and keeping them
  • Canceling plans without guilt
  • Not letting a micro-aggression slide
  • Getting your dog to stop barking at strangers/other dogs/the wind within five seconds