Achievements There Should Be Awards For

award-good-job

  • Drinking an entire cup of tea in the tiny temperature window after boiling lava and before tepid bullshit
  • Not spilling any coffee
  • When you have to fart and pee and you only fart without letting any pee out (that’s a mula bandha kegel miracle)
  • Going a whole day without choking on your own saliva
  • When the gas pump comes to an even dollar
  • Sleeping through an entire night
  • Keeping your bra and shoes on the whole day
  • A righteous clapback
  • Thwarting a cold or sore throat
  • Contacting your legislators three or more times in a week
  • Asking for help without embarrassment or apologizing
  • Putting dishes directly into the dishwasher without a three day pit stop in the sink
  • Emptying the clean dishes from the dishwasher in order to place new dirty dishes there
  • Remembering how you got a bruise/Not bumping into anything on the way to the bathroom
  • Making plans and keeping them
  • Canceling plans without guilt
  • Not letting a micro-aggression slide
  • Getting your dog to stop barking at strangers/other dogs/the wind within five seconds
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We’ve Already Tried Conservative Policies…And They Failed

For the most part, we have already tried all of the conservative policies, and they sucked so we changed them. We’ve already tried having abortion and birth control be illegal. Wire hangers and unwanted children galore. Dirty Dancing is a cautionary tale from Penny’s perspective.

We’ve already tried voter suppression. It caused voter fucking suppression!

We’ve already tried trickle-down economics. Guess who it benefitted, and guess who it hurt.

We’ve already tried LGBTQ discrimination. A research study recently came out saying that since same-sex marriage became legal, teen suicide rates have fallen. Funny how that works-when we have laws accepting people for who they are, they don’t grow up fucking miserable.

We’ve already tried unequal pay. According to the National Women’s Law Center, in 2015, 36.5% of families headed by single mothers lived in poverty, and 56.2% of all poor children lived in female-headed families. If we have equal pay, all of these women and families will have more income and rely less on public benefits. Raising the minimum wage will also help a lot here. Math.

We’ve already tried no environmental regulations. We needed commercials begging people to not pollute. Also, Flint still doesn’t have clean drinking water.

We’ve already tried no unions or labor laws. Hello Triangle Shirtwaist Factory Fire, child labor, and no weekends.

We’ve already tried not having safety nets for low-income people or people with disabilities. Remember the Great Depression? We put these safety nets in place to prevent it from happening again. STOP TRYING TO MAKE IT HAPPEN AGAIN!

We’ve already tried not having the Affordable Care Act. People died or went bankrupt paying for their care. PRE-EXISTING CONDITIONS ARGH!

We’ve already tried lax gun laws. Just look at the rates of gun violence in the U.S. compared to any other developed country. #icant

We’ve already tried discrimination based on race and religion. Do I even have to?

Are these the good old days they keep talking about? So, until conservatives can come up with any policies we haven’t already tried and rejected, can they please STFU and stop trying to pull the rest of the country backwards?!?!

 

Tax Cuts and Public Benefits are the Same

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There is a weird stigma attached to receiving public benefits, like SNAP (formerly known as food stamps), Temporary Assistance to Needy Families (TANF), and housing assistance. Yet there is zero stigma, even pride, in “working the system” to pay less in taxes. Since these benefits help people on the opposite ends of the wealth spectrum, there’s a disconnect in what these things really are. Tax cuts and public benefits are both the government giving people money. They are the same. The only difference is that public benefits come with a lot more strings attached and hoops to jump through.

When someone says that people over a certain income level should get tax cuts, and to pay for them, we should cut welfare programs, they are basically saying that a rich person deserves another fancy car, while a low-income person doesn’t deserve to eat. And that’s why fiscal conservatism is bullshit. Trickle-down economics is bullshit. When given tax breaks, rich people do not create more jobs or put that money into the economy; they keep it. So, we need to start thinking of tax cuts as handouts to people who don’t need them, which they are. End rant.

 

 

STFU Hypocritical Selfish Republicans/Speaking in Slogans

no-wire-hangers

My next protest sign

 

Can Republicans please explain to me which Obama or Democratic policy(ies) made their lives worse? It really seems that you just don’t want other people to have the rights, resources, opportunities, and access that you do. And the Republican policies being enacted in response actually truly fucking hurt millions of people!

I’m so mad about all of the hypocritical, dictator-style, cruel shit Trump and Republicans are forcing that I can only speak in protest signs right now:

Fear Ignorance Not Immigrants

My Body is a Dictatorship, But the Country Shouldn’t Be

Respect Existence or Expect Resistance

I Stand with Planned Parenthood

NO WIRE HANGERS EVER!!!

If Only My Uterus Could Shoot Bullets Then it Wouldn’t Be Regulated

When You’re Accustomed to Privilege, Equality Feels Like Oppression

Trust Women

Black Lives Matter

Constant Vigilance

Stronger Together

Resist

History Has Its Eyes On You

Necessary Trouble

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun-damental Rights

Silence=Death

Water is Life

Voter Fraud is a Myth. Voter Suppression is Not.

Religious Freedom is Not Imposing Your Religion on Everyone Else

FOREVERSCREAM -Zach M

Act. No Matter What

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With the inauguration and Women’s March coming up, I’m finding it difficult to think about much else. So I decided that today’s post is about not being an a-hole as an American and global citizen.

I am so overwhelmed right now, not just with the election results, but with everything that has come out of it- every nomination, decision, act of hate and harassment, and attempt to dismantle facts and hard-fought rights and protections. But that’s the goal. The goal is to overwhelm us, so that it’s impossible to keep up, so that something horrifying sneaks through, is normalized, is met with a shrug and a sigh. We must resist every single time. In the wise words of J.K. Rowling through Mad-Eye Moody, “Constant vigilance.” This phrase has become somewhat of a mantra for me. It’s not paranoia if it’s warranted, and it’s warranted. Here are some other quotes that inspire me to keep fighting and resisting, especially when I’m feeling particularly besieged:

  • “If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor. If an elephant has its foot on the tail of a mouse, and you say that you are neutral, the mouse will not appreciate your neutrality.” ―Desmond Tutu
  • “It is not incumbent upon you to complete the work, but neither are you free to desist from it.” ―Pirkei Avot
  • “Nice is different than good” –Stephen Sondheim
  • “I am no longer accepting the things I cannot change. I am changing the things I cannot accept.” –Angela Davis
  • “Justice is what love looks like in public.” –Cornel West
  • “Silence is the voice of complicity.” –Unknown
  • “Whoever destroys a soul, it’s as if they have destroyed an entire world. And whoever saves a life, it’s as if they have saved an entire world.” –Talmud
  • “Be the change you wish to see in the world.” –Mahatma Gandhi
  • “I am thinking how we can use what we have to invent what we need.” –Adrienne Rich
  • “Act. No matter what.” –Planned Parenthood

This is why I march. It is our duty to ourselves and to each other to stay engaged and to protect those who are even more vulnerable. If you are not actively opposing these erosions to democracy and decency, you are allowing them. I’ll be in DC marching as a Planned Parenthood of NJ ambassador. Where will you be in the fight?

Even I Deal with Internalized Misogyny

I am an unabashed badass feminist. I believe that all oppression is linked, so you have to fight for everyone’s equality in order to secure your own. I am powerful and firm in my beliefs. I say this to you, but also as a reminder to myself. Misogyny is so pervasive and ingrained in us that sometimes we have to fight against our own thoughts.

I was recently at a wedding where I knew very few people. I was dancing with the lovely folks at my table all in a group. Some guy sidled up to the group, and to me specifically. He extended his hand, expecting me to take it and dance with him. I didn’t and kept dancing with the group. Since then, I’ve been repeating on a continual loop in my head that I did nothing wrong and that I didn’t owe that guy anything. This is internalized misogyny: having to defend my own autonomy…to myself.

Why Do You Want Me to Know Your Whole Life: An Ode to my Office Hall Mate (Nothing Ever Gets Done by Being a Whiny Impotent Fuck)

loud-talker
Disclaimer: In case you couldn’t tell by now, I have a hard time deciding on one title, so I go with multiple titles.

I know every last detail of my coworker’s life. I know all about his kids, how they do in school, what after-school activities they participate in, and when they do or don’t show up to school. I also know about his tenants, when the plumber is supposed to arrive, the woes of trying to sell his house, when his wife is out of town, etc., etc., etc. From everything I know about this person, you would think that we’re really close friends. On the contrary, I have had direct conversation with him for an approximate total of 3.5 minutes in the 12 years I’ve worked here. All of this information I gleaned from very loud open door phone calls, which is how he spends most of his day.

Over the years, I have asked him many times to please shut the door when he’s on the phone. I finally got him to shut the door when he’s using the speaker phone at least…and that’s mostly because I physically went to his office and shut the door for him (my literal hall monitoring skills in action–it’s not just a moniker). I just don’t understand why he wants me and the whole hallway to know everything about his life. I know I’m not the only one who has spoken to him about his loud phone habits, so he is well aware that others can hear him. Yet he continues. Is this a weird exhibitionist thing, like an emotional trench coat flasher?

What adds to the infuriation is that he is the whiniest mother fucker I’ve ever heard! (Does this blog have audio, because I do a mean impression of his impotent whiny fucking voice? That technology may be beyond my capabilities.) I use the term “impotent” a lot, not about sexuality at all, but about someone’s inability to act. In all of these overheard conversations about his personal issues, I have never heard him make an actual direct statement; I think he only speaks in whiny, passive-aggressive bullshit.

Here’s my rule: if you’re on the phone, shut the fucking door. Invading my ear space is still invading my space.

Don’t Give Me a Gift on the Second Date (If You Give Me a Gift, Don’t Ask for it Back; I’m Keeping it for Spite)

gift

A few years ago, I went on a couple dates with a guy I had no things in common with, but he was really good looking, so some bad decisions were made. On our first date, we talked about some nerdy things, which made me think that this wasn’t a totally terrible waste of time. He was super into Dungeons and Dragons. While I’ve never played, I’ve always found the concept interesting and potentially up my alley, with the fantasy and board game aspects. I’d be up for trying it out.

We went on a second date, which I was already dreading because of some incredibly needy texting after the first date where he asked me if I liked his outfit and what kind of clothing I like men to wear (I like men who don’t need me to fucking dress them-a future post perhaps because this has come up more often than one would expect). On this date, he gave me a gift, which I thought was sweet if a little soon and somewhat misguided. This gift was a Dungeons and Dragons book, which I was supposed to read before I was allowed to play a game with him. Okay, I guess I’ll give him a few points for calling back to an earlier conversation we had, but like don’t make me do homework in order to date you. A good way to get someone into a game is to have them just play the fucking game. Needless to say, this date was our last.

Maybe six months later, I got a text from him asking for the book back. He told me the price and said that he had another person interested in joining his D&D group. Um no. No No No No NO. Things that are not my problem. I’m keeping it for spite and to teach him a lesson that you don’t go around giving weirdo gifts to people you barely know, and you definitely, definitely don’t ask for them back!

 

Road Rules Part 1: Get Out of the Left Lane/Just Fucking Go

Disclaimer: I am a Jersey girl, so I have a lot of road rage. I will also defend the jughandle until my last breath.

In countries that drive on the right side of the road, the left lane is for passing. It’s also known as the “fast lane.” USE IT THAT WAY!! The left lane is not for jolly jaunts admiring the scenery. That sounds like a lovely afternoon excursion, but not in front of me in the left lane. Whether I am alone, have passengers, or even am a passenger myself, in these situations, I am literally screaming “JUST FUCKING GO/MOVE THE FUCK OVER/EXPLETIVE EXPLETIVE EXPLETIVE!!” (much to the horror of anyone who can hear me). My favorite is when I am yelling and both my window and the window of the offending car are down. I revel in awkward and am not ashamed of my behavior. THEY should be ashamed, which I am happy to point out to them.

If you’d like to drive slower than I am going (I think it’s ridiculous, but I guess that’s your prerogative), I implore you to drive in the right lane. All drivers should use the lane most to the right that you’re able to go at your preferred speed.

Along the same lines, here is my defense of the Jersey jughandle: As I’ve stated in no uncertain terms, the left lane is the fast lane. People making turns slow down traffic. Therefore, especially in a state as dense as NJ, all turns should be made from the right lane, the slow lane.

In short, get out of my way.

If I Didn’t Ask for Your Opinion, You Have No Right to Criticize

There are some people in this world who live like criticizing is swimming to a shark; they have to criticize constantly or they die. The worst part is that they think they’re being helpful, instead of what they really are: hateful and awful. Here’s my rule in these situations: If I didn’t ask for your opinion, you don’t have a right to say anything negative. If I ask “Hey, how do you like my hair today?” you are more than welcome to tell me the truth (kindly of course): “I liked it better with the part on the other side.” That’s fine, and thanks for letting me know. If I don’t ask, though, and you say “Aren’t you going to brush your hair?” you’re an a-hole and have no idea how curly hair works.

So, if you find yourself just itching to tell someone that you don’t think their top goes with those shoes or that painting should go on the other wall, nobody gives a shit. Shut the fuck up. RuPaul says it well (always listen to RuPaul) “What other people think of me is none of my business.” That’s nice to keep in mind when confronted with a hateful a-hole, but someone also needs to tell these a-holes to abide by the rules.

A special note to any man who has ever made any comment to a random woman in a public space, please shut the fuck up forever. As all women know in our bones (#yesallwoman), the second a random man feels entitled to comment on our looks, bodies, outfits, whatever, we are already in danger. It’s just a quick hop from micro-aggression to actual aggression, and don’t make us guess which one it will be.